


The Killer's Apprentice (Re-Published)

by sweartoshakeitup



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Multi, Romance, Star Wars - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 23:21:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14123043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweartoshakeitup/pseuds/sweartoshakeitup
Summary: You and your Force sensitivity are found out by the First Order and you are taken away from everything you hold dear. Under Commander Ren, you are to train to become a weapon of the First Order. But, as fate may have it, you may be destined to find compassion and a home in a place cold as steel and in a man as torn as the tides.





	1. The Exposition

**Author's Note:**

> More recent note: I wrote this fic over months, almost years. My writing style has changed and grown with me. Please bear with the awful writing in Chapter 1-2. It does get better. I promise.  
> Hi! I restarted this fic. It hasn't changed very much except for some information added to the end of Chapter Five. I will publish chapters 1-5 by publishing one each day so it's easier to catch up. Thank you so much for bearing with me!

There was nothing left for you to do or say. It had all been decided for you. You sat in the spare bedroom of Commander Ren’s Command Shuttle and stared blankly at the gray wall in front of you as you mentally went through everything that had led you to this point.  
Your parents weren’t given a choice when the First Order had found out about your Force abilities. They had tried to hide it from the world by making sure you never told anyone, but when your friend, Lilit, was dying of a growing mutation of cells, you had to do something about it. The Force was within you, and with it, you were able to heal her. Dee’ja Peak was soon abuzz with the news of the girl who had healed her friend of the disease no one could find a cure to. It spread like wildfire across the planet of Naboo.   
Within days the First Order had shown up at your door. Your parents and the red-haired man talked in hushed tones as they looked on at you as if you had only days to live. The man introduced himself as General Hux, and he had said that you were to train under the Force user, Commander Ren. You already knew your family would be killed and that you’d be taken by force if you didn’t all agree. The deal was struck.   
Your dreams had been crushed to pieces. All your life, you had worked to become a medical doctor who could better the procedures used during childbirth. You had your family to take care of, and the rest of Lilit’s life to be a part of. You had everything you could want right with you.   
Within a day, Commander Ren had flown down to your front yard to take you. The green grass and the gentle wind whistling through the soft green leaves of your beautiful trees made everything feel so surreal. There was a chance you’d never get to enjoy the beauty of Naboo again. You turned to say your goodbyes to your family and promised to stay in contact.Your mother held you closely and whispered into your ear as her hand swiftly slipped something into your pocket.   
“(Y/n),” she breathed, trying to make her voice steadier, “Hold onto this when you feel alone or you feel horrible. Many things will happen to you between now and when we meet again. Be careful and worry about yourself and yourself only. Survival is your goal.” She let go of you, and straightened up. You hugged your father and your little brother goodbye, promising to message them once you reached your destination. Ren had stood stiffly, seemingly unhappy with the display of emotions before him. He turned to walk into his ship. You walked onto the ramp leading up into the Shuttle, and waved goodbye. Everything had happened too fast for you to process it. Only then had you taken in the man before you, the man you would have to refer to as “Master”. He was in front of you and he slightly tilted his body back to you to recognize your presence. You walked closer and looked up at him to only see a mask tilted down at you.   
Commander Ren was huge and he towered over you. His demeanor demanded respect, and emotion-hiding mask made you feel as if he was devoid of any humanity. He huffed at you. “What are you staring at?"   
You balked. How did you respond to that?   
“At your mask, sir.” You had always been a very straightforward person. Playing games was simply not your style, or at least that’s what you told yourself.   
_____________________________________________  
Ren was not amused. He didn’t know what to do with the girl before him. Nobody had ever talked to him in this fashion, and now he had been given the responsibility of teaching a little girl the ways of the Force. Pathetic.  
“Refrain from doing so.” He knew internally that she had done nothing wrong. The girl was just being a person. There was no reason to act like this with her. However, he had to maintain this kind of behavior towards her to make sure she’d fear him. She looked down. For a moment, he could swear he felt a tinge of pity for her.   
_____________________________________________  
This man had a stick up his ass. You weren’t used to teachers like this. Most of the teachers you had had were understanding and tried to do their best to make you feel comfortable. This man was far from a person who knew anything about being a good host or teacher. Nonetheless, his request for you to “refrain” from looking at him was something you as a good student should follow. You looked down.   
“Yes, sir.”  
He straightened up.   
“I will lead you to the room you’ll be staying on for this flight. Don’t unpack. We will arrive on the Finalizer very soon.” He turned left and started walking through the narrow dimly lit hallway to the second to last door. He opened it, and quickly turned away to go back to the center of the ship. You walked inside to find a small room with a twin bed, a nightstand, a refresher, a chair, and a dresser. Taking a seat on the bed, you looked on to the gray wall before you. You blankly stared for hours.   
That’s where you were. You had no expectations for your future. You had no idea if you’d ever see your family again. You had no idea how to process what your mother had told you. Slowly putting your hand in your pocket, you pulled out a kyber crystal that had called to you when you were just nine years old. She had remembered. The tears started falling. You covered your mouth, trying to make sure the giant close by wouldn’t be able to hear you, hoping that he was not paying attention to the Force at the moment.  
He was.  
The door of your room opened with a bang, drawing a sharp breath from you. Your breathing was shaky as you saw the monolith of a man seething at you. His hands were balled into black leather fists at his sides.  
“(Y/n). That’s your name, isn’t it?” His voice came through the modulator, making him sound less than human. You nodded, choking back a shaky sob-like breath. He leaned against the side of your door, crossing his arms on his chest. It was a weird image, seeing such a big man taking the stance of a teenage boy. If he was a man.  
“This is your first lesson. Control your emotions. There is no time for crying on this ship. We will be docking in a minute.” He turned sharply, and slammed the door behind him.   
You did not know how to feel. There was nothing to be felt. You quieted your brain and emotions, and bottled up your pain. This was going to be your life now, and your mother told you to survive. Survive, you would.   
Grabbing your personal bag, you walked out of the room and into the small area in front of the door that you had walked into previously. The door opened, and the ramp extended down to the shiny grey floor before you. Commander Ren came out of the cockpit to join you, straightening up from his slight slouch, which you had just noted, to his full form to tower over you.   
“We have arrived. Follow me.”  
He walked down the black ramp, and you followed.


	2. A Realization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm sorry for being so inconsistent. School is killing me. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

You followed him down into the busy hangar, surrounded by ships flying in and out. There was beauty in everything, and the combination of the serenity of the grey and black ships’ flights and the energy of the speed at which they flew in and out of the silver hangar filled you with a sense of optimism. You turned slowly in a circular motion as you walked, taking it all in. The hangar was humongous and stood at least three stories high. Perfect rows of snow white Stormtroopers followed behind their leaders who wore red pauldrons in, out, and around ships. You found the image to aesthetically pleasing and drank the elegance of it in. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad here after all.  
Commander Ren had gotten pretty far ahead of you before you were able to snap out of your appreciation of the beauty of the controlled chaos presented to you in the form of the hangar. Running to catch up to him, your shoes squeaked against the shiny silver floor, making you cringe at the idea of drawing attention to yourself. He stopped abruptly in front of a panel, causing yourself to have to throw your foot in front of you to prevent yourself from falling flat on your face. He looked back and down on you, balling his hands into a fist.  
“This is how we get to where you will be staying from the hangar,” he rumbled through the moderator. He grit his teeth. “You will be staying in my quarters and will be given a separate room.” Before you could mentally process this information and respond appropriately, you were taken aback as he put his hand up to open the panel. You heard a small scoff come out of his snout.  
“The only way in through this door is by using the Force. Further incentive for you to learn.” He took a step forward, and you followed him. Together, you entered a small and dimly lit room with durasteel walls and an elevator in front of you. He pushed the button to go up, and the lift opened immediately. For some reason, he didn’t go ahead of you this time. He stepped to the side and beckoned you to step in, unexpectedly being a gentleman. What the hell did that mean? You stepped through, and he followed. The lift was small and dimly lit like the room before it, but the walls were covered in mirrors. You looked at yourself besides the Commander. You felt so small next to him and his fluttering cape, wearing a simple tunic that clung to your curves and slacks. “Exposed” was a good word for describing how you felt. He had pushed the button for his quarters, and you were on your way up. You looked up at him to see him engrossed in deep thought. Throughout your life, you had always been prone to analyzing people before you realized you were analyzing them. They released emotions and feelings. Ren was releasing rage and sadness and contempt. The contempt felt fresh, as if the source for it was something new. You’d be willing to bet that you were making him feel that way. The anger and sadness, however, felt ancient. It made you want to take care of him. You’d always been a caring person, and even before you had been given any sign he had some inkling of a soul, you wanted to hold him in your arms until he felt somewhat better.  
“Shut up,” he growled through his mask. 

What had you done? 

OH.

You knew. You didn’t need an explanation. Still, it pissed you off to know that not only was he listening in on your thoughts, he was also chastising you for wanting to care for him. Should you defend yourself? You straightened your back and turned to face him, crossing your arms over your chest. “Don’t listen to my thoughts and maybe we won’t have a problem.”  
That was a mistake.  
He picked you up by the sides of your arms and pinned you against the mirror facing the door out of the elevator. You maintained your calm demeanor, but you knew that he could feel your heartbeat. Somewhere inside you, you felt a warmth coming from the lower part of your stomach. You desperately wanted to ignore the feelings of arousal beginning to stir inside you. It disgusted you. Feet dangling a few feet off of the ground, you swallowed. He tilted his head at you.  
“You are not to talk to me in that manner. Don’t you have any respect for your teachers? I’ll let you go this time. Next time, there will be consequences.” He dropped you, and you crumpled to the floor. Turning away from you, he faced the door, hands at his sides. You gave yourself a second, and you straightened back up. This man seemed to enjoy demonstrating his power over you, and you were not submissive in the slightest when it came down to defending yourself. Your time on the Finalizer was going to be difficult. He cocked his head towards you again. “Just so you know, I was not listening to your thoughts. You are projecting them. Get a grip on yourself.” He turned back to the door.  
You barely knew about the projecting. It wasn’t something that had ever caused you problems, for you were the only Force sensitive in town. Obviously, the safety of your thoughts had changed.  
The doors opened to reveal the quarters you would be sharing with Commander Ren. In varying shades of grey and black, a small seating area appeared before you. It almost slipped from your attention, but then you saw it. A table full of ashes. You didn’t have to think coherent thoughts to understand what you were looking at and what it was. Shuddering, you looked up and away from it, producing a smirk that rumbled out of his mask. You faced the ginormous LCD screen that was attached to the wall separating what you guessed was a hallway to your bedrooms. Taking a step onto the cool black tile, you turned to see a small dining table in front of a kitchen. You walked to where the hallway began, and looked back at him. He took long strides toward you, emitting strong feelings of annoyance. “Your room is the first bedroom to the left. Snoke has requested our presence in two hours.” He crossed his arms across his broad, black chest. “Your personal bathroom is having technical difficulties at the moment. You are to use mine for the next couple of hours. Don’t take too long.” He walked past you, and slammed the door as he entered what you presumed was his room. Taking care to not make too much sound, you walked on and into your own room.  
You were finally alone as you surveyed the room before you. A full sized bed with black sheets was before you, with a desk on the right side. They had provided a computer and a com link for you, laid upon your dark grey desk. Turning to your right, you saw two doors, one of which probably opened up to your closet and the other to your allegedly dysfunctional bathroom. Luckily, you hadn’t been required to carry some of your personal belongings. They had departed the day before with General Hux. Hurrying to your bags in the corner in which you had stowed away pictures of your family, a sketchbook, and many, many books, worry began to seep into your mind. If you kept projecting your thoughts, you’d soon be dead. What could you do to protect yourself?  
When you had been younger, a voice inside you would whisper small little things to help you learn how to use your abilities. It was how you had learned to heal. Over time, it faded away to allow you some individuality when it came to how to conduct yourself, but it would still come to you in times of need. Similarly, it had once shown you how to protect your thoughts from other Force sensitives. Nine year old you felt no need for it. When there weren’t other people with the same powers as you, why should you practice the art of keeping them out of your head?  
All of that had changed now. You had to protect yourself from this man. There were no other options. Survival, your mother had told you.  
Thinking back to the lessons, you began to build your mental walls. You imagined layer after layer of durasteel. Of diamond. Of kyber crystal. Nobody would be able to gain access to the innermost workings of your consciousness unless you shouted out to them. You laughed to yourself as you plopped down onto the bed. There was nothing you could do to get out of here. You’d just have to endure.  
Staring up at the ceiling, you were sure you had wasted more than enough time.  
Sitting up, you walked into your closet to find what you’d be required to wear from now on. You had been provided with a small drawer to your left and a rack from which dark clothing hung to your right. Turning to your left and opening the drawer, you grabbed a pair of black underwear and a black bra. A part of you laughed at how they somehow knew your size. Another part of you was in the middle of a flight-or-fight response. Turning around, you looked at the rack of clothing before you. They had gotten your size perfectly, but you didn’t have time to look through the things they had provided for you. Grabbing a long black tunic and dark grey leggings, you headed towards Commander Ren’s bedroom.  
For some weird reason, your subconscious did not want to announce your presence. Carefully opening the door as to not disturb the silence with creaking, you ignored the messy bed and the long burn marks on the wall and walked to the door that had the hamper next to it. Placing your hand upon the handle, you pulled it towards your body, and peered inside.  
A shirtless man stood inside, drying his long locks of black hair with a hand towel. He turned to look at you, and your jaw dropped before you could control your emotions.  
He was gorgeous. His honey-flecked brown eyes were full of an emotion you couldn’t understand. Your eyes roamed down his body from his eyes. His luscious black locks framed his well-structured face as he turned his aquiline nose up at you. Pursing his gorgeously plush pink lips, he inwardly drew a breath. Furthering your growing attraction, you took in the bobbing of his Adam’s apple and his sculpted body. You never thought people could actually look like that. Forgetting your walls in the moment of surprise, you thought to yourself that you were sure your head could fit on just one of his pectoral muscles. He was beautiful. There was no way this man could be Commander Ren. The corners of his mouth lifted in amusement.  
“Not what you expected, I presume?” His voice was deep and low, full of the honey that emerged as little specks in his blazing brown eyes. It shook you to the core, scaring you enough to reinstate your walls. A dark look possessed his beautiful features as he took note of what you had just done. Your heart was beating out of your chest. “Who taught you how to do that?” He took a step before you, and your heart jumped. “Answer me, (Y/N).” The door behind you slammed shut. You were trapped.  
“It’s common sense. You wanted me to shut up? I have.” You looked up him, eyes blazing with defiance. “It’s not that hard. I took an educated guess, and I was right.” Your heartbeat was betraying your fear. He peered down at you, taking his hand up to your chin to make slight adjustments to the position of your face as he examined you. You mentally reached out into the room, trying to feel the emotions in the room that didn’t belong to you. Was that fear and disbelief you felt? Pride? Anger and sadness? Commander Ren was a cocktail of feelings. You knew he couldn’t understand what went on in your head. This surely scared him, but knowing the Force, you were sure that if he had enough of a reason, he could eventually break you down and force your hidden thoughts out. Swallowing, you trembled under his touch. His fingers felt so warm. Betraying any rationality inside of you, you leaned into his touch. What else could you do? You had already realized that you’d be so desperately alone on this ship. Why wouldn’t you want to enjoy the little human contact you were lucky to get? Your reaction to his touch surprised him, and his eyes and touch softened. The only sounds in that bathroom were the echoes of your breaths, slowly lining up to one another as you subconsciously synced up. He let go of your face and your skin tingled longingly for his touch again. You didn’t want to analyze any of the information that you had just gained about him. All you wanted was to stay in the moment that you were currently in forever.  
He cleared his throat. “Be ready in half an hour. We need at least twenty minutes to get to the room with Snoke’s holoprojection chamber.” He opened the door and quickly walked out of it, gently closing it behind him. This small action was not lost on you. Your head was spinning. What did this mean?  
Back on Naboo, you rarely felt attracted to people. You could only really recall one man who had captivated your thoughts. You knew that something between the two of you would be kindled within minutes of being around him. It was simply fate. He had expressed his feelings for you after months of being his friend. Sadly, he had run away to join the Resistance and fight against the organization that you were now a big weapon for. You sighed. Nothing could be done. After not hearing back from him for years, you had realized that he wasn’t going to come back. Being a mere thirteen year old then, you now realized how wrong the nature of the relationship had been. He was 19 when he left. You looked at your reflection, and it snapped you back to reality.  
Kylo Ren made you feel those very same things, but stronger. You felt the area on your chin that had been covered by his touch. There was only one thing that could mean. Knowing what would happen and continuing to try to deny it would now be your personal goal. Shivering, you stripped and stepped into the shower.  
It would soon be time to face Snoke.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. I'm so sorry. I honestly don't even know if anyone is still reading this. School has been really busy.

As the hot water cascaded down your back, the reality of what had just happened between you and Ren went through your head. All the little things you had subconsciously noticed about him. How he smelled like bergamot and sandalwood when he had laid hands on you. The way his hair fluttered around his shoulders as he moved. The moles and dark spots that dotted his face and complemented his features. The way the light glinted off his of muscular chest. He didn’t seem real. However, it wasn’t just that. You were attracted to the grandeur of his aura. How self-assured he was and how he had the knowledge and skills to back himself up. The way the look in his eyes conveyed so much emotions. You were fascinated with him. 

You knew you were going to fall for the Commander, your master. Sighing, you turned the shower off. That would complicate things. A small part of your brain tried to reassure you and say that maybe you were wrong and just completely out of touch with the Force on this one. Stepping out of the shower, you grabbed the nearest fluffy black towel. 

It smelled of bergamot and sandalwood. 

• • •

 

Walking out of what you presumed to be the main door of your living quarters, you and the Commander stepped into a dimly lit hallway with a few doors. The leggings fit perfectly, and they were very comfortable. You made a mental note or yourself to wear these during physical training in the future. The helmet tilted in your direction. “Other high-ranking officers live here. Hopefully, you won’t have the...pleasure...of meeting certain ones.” Annoyance was rolling off of him waves. You nodded, quickly building up your own walls with a few extra layers of Force bricks. Following him down the hallway to what you presumed to be another hallway, you actively kept your thoughts quiet. If Snoke was Kylo Ren’s master, he would be highly critical of you and how you grew in your skills with the Force under Ren. He looked back at you, slowing down as he noticed you trying to keep up with his long and fast legs. “I see you’ve stopped projecting your thoughts like I had asked you too.”  
Looking up, your brain short circuited. You didn’t know how to act around him. Swallowing, you hoped your voice wouldn’t betray how dry your throat had gone. “I have.”   
Even though you couldn’t see his eyes, you knew from the direction of his visor that his gaze was lingering on. He walked confidently, but he still allowed you to walk at a much more comfortable pace than what you had been struggling to keep up at earlier as you went through the maze of tunnels. Finally, the two of you arrived in what seemed to be an elevator. He pressed the button, and the doors opened up.   
Not this again. You didn’t know if you could stay calm in an elevator where it was only the two of you again. Looking up at him in habit expecting to see a human whose facial expressions were readable, you tried to tell yourself that he didn’t know how much you had liked being pinned against the wall like that. He couldn’t know, right? As you cleared your mind before those thoughts could any further into a place which would cause your heart to beat at an embarrassing rate, you felt the elevator slowly come to a stop. The doors opened up to reveal a seemingly empty space, and you surprised yourself when you took took the first step out of the lift, not caring to let Ren lead you. He didn’t comment on it, and he followed you into the darkness. 

You looked around yourself at the caliginosity that surrounded you as walked down the slim bridge with no railings that seemed to hang over an abyss. How the hell could all of this fit on a ship? Coming back to the reality of your situation, you looked up before at the figure that was upon the holotable. Like Ren, he was quite the sight to behold, being at least four stories high. Like Ren, his appearance made you feel things that pushed you out of your comfort zone when it came to people you barely knew. Unlike Ren, you did not want to get to know him better and to take care of him. The humanoid before you had a face that was very much like what you had been expecting under Ren’s mask. Gnarled and misshapen, his face looked on at you and Ren as you stepped closer into the circular island which seemed to be in the center of this cavern. 

Snoke. His black eyes looked down at you, seeming to burn into your soul. “My child,” droned his voice, devoid of humanity, “the Force resonates within you. I can see it in the way the air moves around you. You will shape up to be a fine tool for the goals we have in mind.” He considered you before him, his eyes raking through you like you were some desk drawer to ransack and find something of value in. “I can see what you’ve done. The walls. You work quickly. Keep going at that pace.” You shook before him. He arched what you presumed to be the part of his face that could have been covered with an eyebrow. “Is that clear?”  
Quivering, you forced sounds through your parched throat. “Yes, Supreme Leader Snoke.” His lips curled upwards to show his approval. “You may leave now. Commander Kylo Ren is to speak with me. Alone.” Barely managing to croak out a “Yes, sir” you quickly turned, walking across the thin black strip where tripping could send you into the tumbling into the void. The doors opened up before you as if they expected your arrival. As you stepped inside and the doors closed behind you, you turned to see your master before his own. Several seconds later, you heard the door open.

You were not alone. 

Before you stood a very pale man with bright orange hair. Everything about him seemed to have been perfect. His sideburns complemented his clean shaven face wonderfully, and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he noticed you staring. His bright blue stare seemed to cut into you as he held eye contact.   
General Hux.  
You hadn’t gotten the chance you closely examine him the last time you had met. Not wanting to get into the memory of being taken away from everything you loved and having to experience the emotions that came with it amidst your slow attempts to adapt to your new life style, you quickly batted away any negative thoughts about the man before you. His flawlessness was simultaneously attractive and unsettling, but you batted those thoughts away as well. He looked down at you. “You’re the girl who is to train under Ren and live with him, correct?”   
You swallowed. “I am,” you nervously stuttered. He wrinkled his nose, and it was all you needed to see his distaste for your master. “My name is (Y/n) (L/n). It’s nice to meet you.” You stuck out your hand to shake his own. These were the correct formalities, were they not? He looked scared. You could feel the fear of the unknown radiating from him. After a pause that felt like an eternity, he thinly smiled and held out his hand to meet yours. “I’ll see you around during your time on this ship, (Y/n). Try not to let Ren kill you.” He let go, and pushed the button to go into the lift. His emotions had drifted slowly from that of one assessing the safety of a bridge over rapidly moving river to confidence and a step towards trust. Sighing with relief, you turned to walk down the path you had gone down previously while following Ren. Turning another dark corner, you began to wonder about Hux. He seemed to be a soft person with a hard exterior. Entirely professional and incredibly skilled at his work. You felt lucky to be accepted by him, despite his overwhelming feeling of pity for you that was born out of your association with Ren.   
Living with Ren. It wasn’t like you had had much time to really live here at all. Huffing, you came back to what you believed to be the quarters you resided in. This door opened up close to the kitchen, on the opposite side of the wall in which the exit that led you to the hangar was built into. You walked into your own room and plopped yourself back onto the bed. As long as no one expected anything from you, you’d be good to go on that bed. Sighing, you realized you had not told your family you had arrived safely. Grabbing the computer, you sent out a message letting them know how you were and how much you missed them.   
After closing your laptop with a yawn, you rolled over onto your side and slowly succumbed to a deep slumber.

You were dreaming. This place didn’t seem real. It felt like you were roaming in complete darkness. Looking down, you saw ripples surrounds your feet. You took a step. Water. You were standing in water. “Hello? Is there anyone there?” You slowly walked forward, unsure of what to do. This was an odd dream. Your feet splashed water onto your shins as you stepped.   
A sound. A low sound. You kept your ears open and quieted your own breathing to hear better.   
A man, crying. You could feel the panic begin to rise. Taking a step in the direction of the sound, you saw him.   
Kylo Ren was sobbing on his knees. His cape surrounded him, attempting to protect him from the unknown. You stepped closer.   
He looked up at you.  
A scar ran down his face.   
His eyes widened.   
“Help me, (Y/n),” he sobbed, guttural screams echoing. “Please help me.”


	4. A Resolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up. School is killing me dead. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter.

You woke up with a jolt, panting as you quickly sat up and clenched the bedsheets in your hands. Fear. You were afraid. Not for yourself. For him.

Maybe that’s why you always felt afraid in his presence. Never being one to care much about your safety, fear was something you only felt when someone else was in danger. 

Or maybe...maybe it was something else. Maybe you weren’t used to your heart beating out of control and your brain being unable to think straight around certain people unless you were afraid for them. Was this the...the attraction you felt? 

That didn’t fucking matter right now. He did. You barely knew him, but you cared for him because he was just another person. What you wouldn’t come out and admit to yourself was that you cared for him because of the bond you knew you shared. Your ears perked up, and you heard angry sobbing from the other room. He had come back from meeting with Snoke. 

Forgetting yourself, you jumped up and ran to him. You couldn’t allow yourself to calm down and think rationally. You couldn’t allow yourself to understand that if was he angry enough, he could accidentally kill you in his rage. Opening your door, you watched him before you.

Ren’s eyes were shut as he continued to scream and thrash around the bed. He had apparently come back to your shared quarters and attempted to sleep. “Where did she go?” You could see the tears streaming down his face. “How could she leave me there?” Not entirely sure that he was awake, you gingerly walked up to the side of the bed. It didn’t seem like a great idea to touch him, but at the moment, nothing else was coming to mind. Reaching out, you grabbed one shoulder and shook him. 

“C...Commander Ren? Are you okay?” Looking down with him with eyes full of worry, you kept your grip on his shoulder. His eyes fluttered open. It was apparent that he had been sleeping. As soon as he was awake, the thrashing stopped.  
“Y/n?”

_____________________________________________

 

Ren looked up at the girl, the girl who had just abandoned him in the dark. Why did she join him here? What was going on? Why did she seem to care so much? He didn’t really want to think about anything for too long. Sitting up slowly to make sure he didn’t shake her hand, he rubbed his temples with his fingers. “Why are you here?” 

_____________________________________________

You looked down at the small area of the bed that was between where you stood at its side and Ren. He shouldn’t make you feel this way. “I heard you crying out and it worried me.” You had held onto him as he sat up, but now you felt foolish. You took your hand off of his shoulder and the reaction on his face made you regret it immediately. He resembled a sad puppy who just wanted to be petted a little bit longer. Bringing your hand back to your side, you slightly tilted your head up. “I saw you. In that dark place.”

His eyes darkened. “I’m sorry you saw that. It was not for you to see.” Was that fear you saw in his eyes? Fear was quickly placed by resolve as he pressed his lips into a line. “I need you to leave my room. Now.” You looked up at him, used to protesting being spoken to in this manner, but stopped as you remembered your situation. Nodding, you quietly made your way out and closed the door behind you. 

Your heart was beating out of you. What had just happened? Why was this person behaving so erratically? Once second he needs you, the other second he shuts you out? Who even is he to behave with you in such a manner? You’re a stranger. He’s a stranger. This is not how one behaves with another person on the first day of meeting them. 

The level of emotional instability he was on was astounding. It was surprising that he didn’t have serious health problems caused by the amount of stress he put his own body through. Whatever had just occurred had to be linked to his mental state. Sighing as you plopped down upon your bed, you realized how being the person you are, you’d inadvertently try to help him even though it was not your responsibility in any way. He was the big “adult”. Shouldn’t he be the one responsible? 

You remembered that you hadn’t eaten dinner that day. That night? Last night? You looked at the time on the computer that you had been provided with. It was three o’clock in the morning. Whatever that meant on this ship, you had every right to consider them your night hours. Easing back under your sheets and getting into a comfortable position, you slowly fell into a dreamless sleep. 

6:00 AM

The alarm that had been set for you woke you up. Grunting, you pushed yourself off the bed sat at your desk, ready to turn it off. Opening your computer, you saw that a schedule had already been made for you. There was breakfast on the dining table. The ship seemed use the 24-hour day officially. You were to be ready by 6:45 and to arrive at your training room by 7:00. A stormtrooper would be there to escort you. Sighing, you got up and began to ready yourself for the start of a new life. After showering and using the restroom, you walked out to the small dining table upon which the schedule had mentioned sat. Sitting down, you looked at the simple oatmeal you had been provided. 

It tasted like heaven after having not eaten for so long. Finishing quickly, you walked back into your closet and grabbed a tight black tank top and equally black leggings. The way it fit perfectly never ceased to amaze you. Running into the bathroom, you quickly smeared on some black eyeliner into wings and ran out of your the quarters at 6:44. 

A stormtrooper stood before you. The way the soldiers seemed stripped of their humanity bothered you greatly, but you had no power over it. You cleared your throat. “I am Ren’s apprentice. Can you show me to the training room, please?” The stormtrooper turned to look at you. “Follow me.” They turned and you followed them through the winding paths and into the wing that seemed to house all kinds of training rooms. Grunts were echoing off the walls of the rooms just outside of the hallway you were in. The stormtrooper seemed to lead you on endlessly, until the doors seemed to appear less and less frequently. Finally reaching the end, they opened the door for you. Nodding and thanking them, you quickly went in. 

The door shut with a boom.

The room in front of you was interesting. Every single wall was covered in a reflective substance, from the ceiling to the floor. Assorted weights of varying shapes and sizes adorned the far side of the room. The floor was dark and smooth, and your master sat on the ground before you, his eyes closed and legs crossed together. You slowly walked towards him, unsure of yourself, but having long mastered the art of hiding true feelings, you pulled your shoulders back and kept your head high. Were you supposed to begin a dialogue? Staring down at him, you wondered what it would be like to sit in his lap. It looked so warm and big and inviting. Shaking your head as if it could shake away the thought, you came to a halt and stood with your legs apart. He opened his eyes and considered you before him, eyes raking down you and your body. 

_____________________________________________

There she was. He had expected her to be late, but there she was. At 6:58.

He had also expected her to not be as attractive as she was before him. She couldn’t tell, but she burned with power. Her lined eyes smoldered at him, and he felt his heart beat rapidly. Taking a look down at her body, his heart began to beat faster.  
He had felt a strange pull towards her from when he first laid eyes her. He had never felt this way before. She had been sassy, and he could feel the tension between them when he had tried to make the impression that he was in control here by pushing her up against the elevator wall. He could feel her arousal and quickly dropped her before his own got to his head. He was having trouble coming to terms with the fact that he had LIKED her dissent and respected her more for it.  
This was not right. She was an annoyance. A lesson. Snoke had called for this because teaching was the best way for one to learn, and because of his recent failures as Commander. She was meant to be a burden and punishment upon him.  
But then, she had looked at him like nobody ever had before. He had examined her face, and had boldly grabbed her chin. Her skin was so soft, and had put him in a trance as he looked at her. She looked up at him like he was something beautiful. It was a thought that she unknowingly had projected beyond her walls.  
She didn’t need to know about the nightmares. He wished he didn’t have to expose himself like that. Where was his mind when he begged her to help him? Couldn’t she have just ignored him? But no. She, herself, woke up and woke him up to make it stop. At first, he had felt abandoned and rejected because he could no longer see her in his nightmare realm. He thought she had left. But no. This was not the case. As he had seen her standing there with her hand on his shoulder, he felt frozen. He couldn’t believe he had pulled her into this. She barely knew him. How could he do that to a complete stranger, let alone one he was beginning to have interest in?  
These emotions were so foreign to Kylo. He had never felt the urge to not be short tempered or to act with a sense of entitlement around anyone who wasn’t Snoke or Captain Phasma. It was just....there was just something about the girl that calmed him and called to him. If he behaved with her the way he would have behaved with his apprentice had it been anyone else, he would soon hate himself. Snapping back to reality, he saw her before him. Man, she was pretty.  
This wasn’t real. Some child couldn’t fluster him. He had to get out of this mindset. There was power to be had over this girl, and he would exert it and make sure she knew. He was in control. 

Right?

____________________________________________

He cleared his throat. You swallowed. “Come here and sit in front of me. Like I am sitting now.” He did not move at all. He had not stood to greet you, moreover he had not had the decency to greet you in any way at all. Slightly miffed, you sat down in front of him. Turning your nose up at him, you parted your lips to take a deep breath. He was gorgeous. The low lighting painted shadows on his face, and the dangerous look it gave him made you feel something in your lower stomach. 

He cleared his throat again. You blinked. 

“Y/n, we’re going to work on meditating today.” He stared right into your eyes, making your heart beat faster. “I want you to concentrate your anger, fear, or hatred into a pure point of power inside of you. This will take a while, but you must start somewhere.” He smirked at you, completely understanding how you were not dedicated to the Dark side. “You will turn to this side eventually.” He put his hands up, gesturing at himself. “I know I have.”

You tried your best to stifle your laughter. Just by looking at him, you could tell that he wasn’t entirely committed. How could a man made of anger, fear, and hatred have held your chin so gently? You nodded at him, and closed your eyes closed your eyes, getting lost in the Force.

You had never committed to just one side of the Force. Trying to use the best of both worlds, you called on each respective side when they could benefit the most. At the given time, you felt a strong need to feel indifferent. You had no desire to appear vulnerable in front of this man. Unless...unless it was under certain circumstances.  
Batting your thoughts away, you concentrated on connecting with the Force. You could see the Stormtroopers training, perfectly in sync, grunting with effort. You could see the Stormtroopers softly asleep in their barracks. You could see a pair of people screaming at each other over a variety of reasons. You could see a couple laying together calmly, holding each other for many reasons as well. In one place, you could see the happiness between two technicians as their baby daughter came into the world, and into the deep sorrow a certain stormtrooper felt over the loss of one of his comrades on Jakku. The duality of life, even on this ship that seemed purposely void of humanity, was astounding. It surprised you to see that much behind the scenes of the great Finalizer. The beauty of it brought a smile to your face.  
_____________________________________________

Her smile. Her smile. Her smile. There was nothing more beautiful than her smile.

 

It was at that moment that Kylo knew. Being impulsive and headstrong, once he had decided on something, he became bent upon doing it. 

 

(Y/N) belonged to him, and he would stop at nothing to make her his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where should I go from here with the story?


	5. Thought Processing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been almost a year since I wrote anything. I’ve been through a lot. Feels like it’s been years. I’m so sorry.

It was so wonderful. You could have stayed in that trance forever. The room around you was silent, but the scenes playing out in your mind came together as a symphonic harmony. 

Until you heard him clear his throat.  
“Open your eyes.” He looked down at you, seeming to have softened a bit. You didn’t need to be in his head or analyze his energy. From his face, you could very easily tell that he was...not sulking? Is this what “content” looks on him? 

You looked at him. You looked at him some more. This man was not normal. Seriously. He needed therapy.

You stood up, shaking a little. Your legs had fallen asleep. God, he was handsome. It was honestly irritating. Waking you up from meditation was also irritating. Sighing, you stretched your limbs.   
“What’s next?”

He looked at you. Just kept looking at you. Weird. You weren’t in the mood to read into him anymore. “Are we...doing anything more?”

He cleared his throat again. “No,” he said weakly. “We’re...we’re done for the day.” He nodded, as if to reassure himself and not to acknowledge you, and left the room in a hurry. 

Huh?? Maybe you should have read into him. He seemed so preoccupied. Startled, but resolutely calm. Or maybe that’s all you could see from the surface. Maybe, under that cool, polished, and dominating facade, he had an itch he just couldn’t scratch. An irritation he couldn’t soothe. A fever he couldn’t sweat out. Okay, it was time to stop your internal monologue. You looked around the room. You couldn’t really do anything except basic exercises like sit ups and squat with additional weights. Walking over the dumbbells and medicine balls, you began to really think through your options.

First of all, this sucked. You were under a fascist government and in a very high position, too. You were a part of the horrors. You were being trained to be a part of this. You shuddered and instinctively grabbed the heaviest weight you could carry. Slowing raising it over your head, you spread your feet apart, and squatted. In reps of 15, you kept going until your thighs began to shake. Putting it down, you moved onto the medicine ball.

Second of all, you were living with the embodiment of all of the violence that came with this imperialistic ideology that the First Order seemed to possess. He was a machine. A weapon, finely tuned to detonate and destroy hundreds upon thousands of people, ideas, and the hope that connect them. His personality had been destroyed. He reminded you of a young angry boy. You took the medicine ball and slammed it into the ground. Picked it up. Slammed it again. You had always had a theory about trauma. Every single person you had ever met seemed to have frozen into the mentality of whatever age they were when their life was at its worst. Traumatic experiences froze people at whatever age they were when they lived it. This theory always helped you forgive people. You slammed the ball again. The sound of the synthetic material slapping the ground snapped you out of whatever hole you were falling into. Picking up the ball, you tried to wrap up your thoughts. The Commander was frozen at whatever age he may have been when he has transitioned from boy to machine. The “man” had been cut out.  
Still, you wondered. He had been in a hurry to get away from you after seeming to have benefitted (mood-wise) from your presence. Without even having the verbally explain it to yourself, part of you knew why this was. You sighed. You sighed again because you were tired of being dramatic about everything and sighing at everything, even when you were alone and there was no one to direct body language like that towards. 

Putting the ball back into its rightful place, you looked up to see your reflection staring back at you.

You smiled. 

You hadn’t changed at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know how you feel about this story and this chapter. I only started writing again because somebody commented on this old fic today. Meant a lot to me.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment any constructive criticisms down below :)


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